Exercises for 4.20.10

Exercise 55: Bringing Abstract Ideas to Life

Racism: Locking your doors as black men walk by the car.

Injustice: Collecting the insurance money from a dead spouse … whom you killed.

Ambition: Stomping down a high heel and sneakily throwing an elbow to make sure that bouquet (and its promise of imminent marriage) is yours.

Growing old: Searching through the obituaries each morning for friends.

Salvation:

Poverty: Sewing the holes in cheap socks.

Growing up: Packing away 10 years worth of Santa Bears.

Sexual deceit: resisting his attempts to spread your legs, while bashfully lying that you have only been with two other men.

Wealth: Buying a new expensive outfit each morning instead of doing laundry.

Evil: Cleaning the toilet with a hated roommate’s toothbrush.



Exercise 57: Naming the Diner, Naming the Diet, Naming the Dog

Desert town: Ghubar, Dam Lake

Race horse: Her Majesty’s Hope, Don’t Mention Hamlet

Literary magazine: Penultimate; Drafts

New disease: Hammerstein Syndrome, Texitis

Rock band: Curious Whores, Reaganomics

Summer cottage: Tradesmore Run, Badger Cove

Triplets: Easton, Weston, Nord; Elizabeth, Susan, Jane (all suffragists)

Liqueur: McGrand’s; Licka Lemon

Beauty Salon: Do It Hair; Chavonne’s Beauty Palace

New diet: The Raw Cleanse; The Muffin Top Buster Muffin Diet

Soap opera: Directions; As the Chest Heaves

Football Team: Conquistadors; Sparrows

Diner: The Lonely Stool; The Hairy Nipple

New religion: Secular Logism; Palinism

New planet: Alora; Unattainable

Polluted river: The Anishinabe; Three(headed) Fish River

Poetry collection: Voices from Within; The Worthless Whinings of a Wanted Woman

Chihuahua: Beano, Sir Henry Nippington

Burglar: Ian MacArthur; Sergei Kozlov; Brett Harrington

Bar: Dick’s Bar; Prancer’s

Lipstick color: Southern Rose; Baboon in Heat

Yacht: Needful Thing; The C Word (stolen from Arrested Development, but must be mentioned)


Exercise 71: Kill the Dog

Carlinda awoke with a jolt. Heart racing, head pounding she looked around in wide-eyed panic, trying to figure out why she was awake. Her brain was taking too long to catch up to reality, and she felt confused. Suddenly from her barely open window she heard it: OOOOWWWWWWWOOOOOO.

Goddamnit. Lucky again. That’s it, she thought. That dog’s gotta go.

Three weeks earlier

She walked up the concrete steps with slightly shaking hands and a knot in her stomach. The day was utterly gorgeous. Off in the distance a lawn mower hummed and the smell of fresh grass reached Carlinda’s nose as the breeze touched her face. The top of her head was warm from the sunlight, and if it weren’t for what awaited her in this inconspicuous brown house, she would not be able to resist smiling. As it was, her mouth turned down with resolute grimness. She raised her hand and knocked on the door. A long pause later, it swung open.

“Um, Hi. Excuse me. I live two doors down … Actually, I just moved here last month. It’s a very nice place. Um, I just wanted to tell you. Uh wait, Uh, no. I just wanted to ask you…” She trailed off and her cheeks blushed as she stared at the man in the doorway. He was unshaven, bald and dirty. His giant gut hung over his slouching pants, barely contained by a stained white undershirt. He squinted at her, this stammering stranger who had invaded his life, and belched.

“What the fuck do you want?” Carlinda mustered her courage and started again.

“Actually it’s your dog,” she blurted out, steadying herself and her nerves on the wrought iron railing beside the door.

“Oh yeah, Lucky,” he grinned. He was missing more than a few teeth. “He’s pretty great, yeah?”

“Oh yes, of course,” she agreed automatically. Then steeling herself, she amended, “Actually, no. That’s what I wanted to discuss with you. Lucky’s barking is keeping me up at night. I work very early in the morning.” Hearing his name, the giant white menace came ripping around the corner and started barreling toward her. She jumped back in fright, but he stopped right at his owner, who immediately dropped to his knees and started vigorously rubbing the dog and chattering to him in baby talk.
“Oh, who’s my good boy? Oh yes, you are my good boy. Yeah, you like to bark, don’t you. You are big strong boy who likes to bark, aren’t you. Yeah. This stupid bitch thinks you bark too much. No, not my Lucky. Maybe this dumb cunt should buy herself some earplugs. Or maybe she should go fuck herself, huh? Maybe, if the bitch thinks about it, she’ll realize that she should keep her fucking mouth shut or we’ll shut it for her. Yes, that’s my little guy. Who loves you? Daddy loves you.”

Carlinda began to back slowly away in horror at the grotesque man’s passive aggressive attack on her. He kept his focus on the dog for one beat more, then turned his head deliberately to look at her and an evil gleam shown in his eye. “We all done here, sweetheart?” he asked. Eyes wide, Carlinda managed a nod before turning and fleeing back to her front door, trying not to give the appearance of running and failing.

Present day

After weeks of being awoken nightly by Lucky, the hell hound, Carlinda was losing it. She was nervous, shaky, exhausted. Worse, she was terrified to do anything about it. A call to the city would obviously be attributed to her. She feared the filthy man. She had no idea what he might do, but his venom scared her anyway. Night after night she had lain awake, Lucky’s unwelcome serenade ringing in her mind. With earplugs and a fan she wasn’t even sure if he was actually barking anymore, or if his howls had moved inside her head.

It didn’t matter. Tonight she was sure she heard him. Tonight she began to plot.
***

Carlinda marked in her notebook as she saw the man leave from her kitchen window. As the day before, and the 12 before that, the man left about 3 pm for a beer run. How he had money for that, she had no idea, since he didn’t seem to work.

Exercises for 4.13.10 Part Two

Exercise 52: Practice Writing Good, Clean Prose

Ann did not know how she got this job. It is not that it was a dream come true, it was that it met a need she had—one she did not know she had.

Ann had to get out. This job let her do that. Each day, she left the house, her hair clean, her face done. Those days out of her house saved her. She could leave Tom and his crap there. At work, she was at peace. Sure, there were some times when she got yelled at, but it was not as bad as how Tom spoke to her. “You are dumb. You are fat. You are a dog.” Word cut her. At work, the worse she head was “This is late.”
That day, she left for work. She wore a thin, beige skirt, crisp white blouse and mules. As she crossed the street, a blue coupe made a stop in front of her. The door swung out, a man leaned out and said, “Get in if you want a new life.”

She did not even think. The car sped up, and her life changed.

Exercise 39: The Skeleton

“If I don’t get the money, I am screwed,” Vlad thought. He quickened his steps, looking nervously from left to right. The street was dark, and no one seemed to be around, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was in danger. He looked down at the piece of paper in his hand: 225 North 2nd Ave. He looked up and saw 221. The address should be just up ahead. Two more doors, now he was practically running. He saw the door and burst through it, hoping his journey was at an end.

He walked into a room bathed in yellow light. Brown vinyl chairs, their seats split open like a ripe peach, lined the walls. The walls were covered in peeling wallpaper and several mysterious splotches hovered at head level. Two chairs were occupied by other men, one looking as nervous as Vlad felt, and the other nearly asleep and drooling. There was no receptionist and without any direction on what to do next, Vlad sat gingerly on the edge of a filthy chair.

Minutes passed like hours and just when Vlad thought he might scream in impatience and fear, the door on the far side of the room opened and a small woman with teeth like a ferret and a towering mass of grey hair gestured him in silently.

The room on the other side of the door was much like the waiting room, if a little bit cleaner. The ferret faced woman took a seat behind a large wooden desk, and the inappropriately light thought passed through Vlad’s mind that the was an odd substitute for the Godfather.

“What do you need?” the woman asked. Swallowing his discomfort, Vlad tried to answer just as directly.

“I need $12,000 dollars. I need it by 5 pm tomorrow.”

“What for do you need it?”

“I … I can’t say.”

“Then I will not make this easy. You know of me from a friend or from a rumor. You know that I do not lend money for free. Not even for simple interest.”

“Yes,” Vlad nodded. “I know there will be a price.”

“Not a price, so much as a favor,” she said, her voice dropping. “If I tell you what it is, you have already agreed to do it.” Vlad shifted in his seat and looked around at the dingy walls for an answer that wasn’t there. He felt a tremor pass through him.

“I accept. I need to see the money first,” he said, mustering up his courage.
Ferret-face smiled at his courage and he wondered how old she really was. He thought somewhere between 40 and ... death. She pulled a small stack of bills out of the desk drawer and placed it in fron of him. “Then it is settled. You will deliver a message for me this night.”

“That’s all?” He twitched with impatience to leave.

“Yes. That is all. The instructions are included. There is only one thing. Do not read the message.” She stood, and indicated the door. “You may leave.”

Exercises for 4.13.10 Part One

Exercise 40: From Situation to Plot

Policeman with 10 cats

What does my character want? Although he has reached the rank of detective, his greatest desire is to retire from the force and spend all his time entering his cats into show cat competitions. He is trying to make it to his 35 years of service so he can get his full pension, but he finds himself distracted by fluffy daydreams of grooming cats and winning ribbons.

What would my character do? John has always wanted to be a cat owner/shower. When his dad found him playing with his sister’s My Little Kitty dolls, however, he beat him harshly. John learned never to share this desire with anyone, and followed his father’s footsteps into the force. He wishes he had the courage to come out, to tell everyone how he feels about cats, but whenever he comes close, he freezes, remembering the beating his pop gave him. He lives in terror of someone on the force finding out he has so many cats. He never invites anyone over and rarely dates.
How will he act or react? He acts very secretive, leading a young recruit assigned to him to become suspicious, thinking John is on the take. In fact, it is another officer who is pocketing drug money, but as young Kevin begins to investigate John, he finds out about all the cats. He learns this one night when he is peeking in John’s window. However he might not wish to be one anymore, John still has cop instincts, and he sneaks out and behind Kevin and confronts him. Kevin stammers for a bit, then succumbs and admits to John why he is there. John sighs in relief, thinking Kevin didn’t notice the cats. As he is about to leave, Kevin asks why he has so many cats. John reacts in fear (internally) wondering if Kevin is going to blow his cover. He has to decide quickly if he should play it off like it is no big deal and he is cat sitting, if he should take Kevin into his confidence, or if he should tell him to mind his own business. He realizes the third option will just raise his curiosity, the second will earn his ridicule, and the first—while most likely to make him think it is not a big deal—does not guarantee that he won’t spread the word. He chooses option 1.

How do these actions propel the story forward? John exists on tenterhooks for the next week, but when Kevin doesn’t say anything to anyone after a couple of weeks, he starts to relax. In fact, by the time of the annual Christmas buffet at O’Dwyer’s Pub, he has all but forgotten the incident. Until one of the guys starts to tell a story of this house they raided last week that was crawling with cats, and Kevin pipes up, saying, “Oh yeah, kinda like your house, John.” The room falls silent, everyone turns to John in shock, then the room dissolves into laughter and finger pointing, finally devolving into ridicule and name calling, like “Pussy Lover” “Kitty Dick” “Meow Mix” “Pussy Boots” “Felix” “Whiskers” and “Fluffer”.

John just stands there, face growing redder by the second, and it is unclear whether he is dying of embarrassment, about to erupt into a volcano of rage, or having a heart attack.



Exercise 46: Plot Potential

Scenario: Three men standing around a scrawny tree in downtown Minneapolis.

1. The one in black leaned back against the tree that didn’t look as if it could support his weight. Under his breath he said sharply, “We are not doing this again. This is bullshit!” The man in brown turned slightly to look at him, then remembering himself he quickly reversed himself, looking straight ahead, and taking a deep breath while his hands worried the paper in his hands.

“But To— I mean, sorry, never mind, I forgot. You told us to contact you the next time we saw them change the code,” he said, his voice nearing a whine. The third man, the one in the white shirt spoke softly and calmly to reassure the other two men.

“We are going to follow the plan, and this will go better for all of us if we breathe through these negative emotions and calmly begin to plan exactly how we are going to steal 2.4 million dollars worth of diamonds from Goodhue Jewelry tomorrow. Now walk two blocks east of here, one block south, and stop at the brown door in the middle of the street. Enter quietly, and go to the third floor, room 309. I have arranged a place for us to plan this. Go in peace.”

2. The man in tight black pants, a shabby checkered jacket and white socks with shiny black dress shoes took one last drag on his cigarette and flung it out into the street. He ran his hand forcefully through his spikey, frazzled hair, which was already standing on end and shook his whole body like a dog. He looked at his watch, looked at the sky, then finally shot a small glance at the man standing near him. The recipient of the glance tightened his mouth in annoyance. His similarly-styled hair blew into his eyes and he shoved it out of his eyes, using the wind as an excuse to turn away. He tightened the ragged scarf he wore around his throat, and pushed at the sleeves of his secondhand velvet jacket. His pants had blown out knees and were tightly rolled to show off his own pair of white socks and black dress shoes. The third man of the group wore the same socks and shoes as if it was the rock-and-roll uniform they all had donned to play at the legendary First Avenue nightclub. This last man finally broke the silence, saying what they all were thinking.

“Where the fuck is Dunlap? How long are we going to wait for that asshole? We're on in 5!”

3. Alan, Jamal and Hank had not set out to make this night memorable. Actually, one was there because he was lonely, one was there because he was bored, and the third member of their little group was hoping to use tonight as a way to forget his recently ex-girlfriend, Veronica. The night auspiciously began at Old Chicago where drinks were cheap and all three men were not bored, lonely, or mired in troublesome memories. It was Jamal’s idea to go to Drink. Perhaps if they hadn’t gone there, or if they hadn’t started dancing right in front of those huge glass windows, Veronica’s ex/current boyfriend would not have seen them. Then they would not have waited outside for them to exit. And of course, then Alan, Jamal and Hank would not be standing here, moments away from kicking ass or getting their ass kicked by the four guys in front of them. Hank looked over at his opponents, gauging two to be skinner than him, one to be shorter, and one who could probably pound him to the ground with his pinkie. As he thought that, the large one moved toward him and Hank thought to himself, “Well, I hope my last time with Ronnie was worth this. I am about to get my ass handed to me.”

4. Monica slowed her car to a crawl as she approached the intersection. Up ahead, the street was peppered with women and a few men. Her hands tightened on the steering wheel and her ankle twitched on the accelerator, jumping her car forward. She kept rolling forward until she saw what she was looking for.

The three men stood a couple of feet from each other. They were wearing nearly identical outfits consisting of tight little pants, shirts opened lower than was decent, and flat shoes. One of the men had his black hair slicked back and glitter adorned his high, feminine cheeks. The second one wore his hair in a shaggy style like something off the pages of a 1976 gossip magazine. The third one, who was most interesting to Monica, had piercing blue eyes with enviable eyelashes. His thick brown hair swept off his forehead in an old-time pompadour. At first, you didn’t notice the eyeliner and light color on his full lips. Monica took a deep breath as she realized her car was already stopped and he was walking over to her. She opened the passenger side window and looked at the man. He stared back and they were both silent for a moment. Then, at the same time, they began to speak.

“Are you work…?”
“Want some comp…?”

Monica blushed furiously and finally said, “Look, are you a cop?”

5. On a downtown street where passersby were frequent and police officers were not, three African men rolled out their rugs and began to hawk their products to the employed elite of Minneapolis. A woman in high heels and a sleek beige business suit paused on her way, uncharacteristically drawn by the sparkle of a Rollex. “Most likely a fake,” she thought, but found herself unable to look away from the shiny gold and diamond studded black face of the timepiece. The man, who she had barely noticed before, leaned toward her with a soft smile and asked her if she wanted to try it on. Her attention shifted for only a moment, but it was long enough to shock her to the tips of her toes. With an uncanny feeling that she had known him forever, she spoke in awe, “Hello. It’s you.”

His soft smile appeared again and he agreed, “Yes it is me. I am called Daniel.” He paused for a moment, unsure if he should say what he was about to say next. “I have been waiting for you, Jane.”

Exercises for 4.6.10

Exercise 30: A Verbal Dance, Not Quite a Fight

“I didn’t sleep barely at all last night. Woke up with the biggest headache.”

She doesn’t want to ask, but she does anyway. “Oh? Why’s that?”

“This thing with Mom. I just can’t believe she would do that,” he said. She grimaces on the other end of the line, knowing he is on the verge of complaining ad nauseum.

“Nobody ever listens to me. I can’t even get a thought out before someone is talking over me. And everyone spends so much time baiting me! I can only keep quiet so long before I have to speak my truth,” he begins. She rolls her eyes, the familiar argument washing over her ears like a lot of blah blah blah.

“If it causing you physical pain, Michael, perhaps it is time to make the peace. Be the change you want to see in the family. You feel like no one listens, listen to them. You feel like no one respects you, make a point of respecting them. Make a change. Call her and make the peace,” she said. Her advice fell on deaf ears as Michael continued on.

“The way she spoke to me … she called me cowardly, manipulative, weak. I would never—NEVER—speak like that to my daughter. NEVER,” he continued.
“But Mike, you can’t compare that. Shannon is four. You are forty. You have no idea how you would speak to her then. It’s a little more complicated when you are grown up and—” she said.

“I am livid. I am furious. I am just so mad! She will never do that to me again,” he said. She rolled her eyes again, thankful that he could not see her

“Just call her,” she said. “Make the peace.”

“I can’t. If I call her now, I will say horrible things I regret,” he replied.

“Or, you could … not do that,” she said, unable to hide her sarcasm completely. He grew silent on the other end of the wire. She felt her breath hitch for a moment, wondering if she had gone too far and if she was the next target of his tiresome rage.

“Whatever. She’s in Chicago anyway, so I can’t talk to her now. Thanks for the advice.” She let the tension drop out of her shoulders, thankful for having averted an attack.

“Yeah. Later, then.”

“Later.”

Exercise 26: Speech Flavor

1. “It is more better if you go now. I would not wish for us to learn more about the other only to end up very disappointed again,” said Olga.

2. “Why you ain’t looking at her?” she said. “She the one you need to axe about where she was last night and who she be seeing.”

3. “It rarely appears to be as simple as one expects,” he said, looking down at Cleo. “It is most effective to wait until the story itself has unfolded, then begin
making assertions.”

4. “Listen, fuckwad, I have met a thousand of you assholes before, only the rest of them were better looking and didn’t wear such cheap shoes. Now, you can either move your ass to the back of the line, or you can piss off and get your goddamn latte elsewhere. What’s it gonna be?”

5. “I spect we are gonna go see Junie tomorrow,” she said, moving toward the carport with slow, shuffling steps. “It’s been a long damn time since that girl’s been home here where she belongs.”

Exercise 35: The Need to Know

Kyle slowed the car in front of Annie’s where he got his coffee every morning. His mind was mercifully blank, teased only by a hint of coffee-smell. His hand drifted the barest amount to his left, his wheel scraped the curb and the resulting crunch set off the explosion of memories and assumptions he tried so desperately to never let in.

The car shadowed her for a mile or two before pulling up right behind her. The driver must have gotten her attention. Was he asking for directions? Claiming a lost dog? Telling her she looked good, baby? Or did he stop the car and approach her on foot, silently? She felt a prickling on her neck moments before, hinting at the significance of that moment, even if she did not understand it right then. He grabbed her somehow then. The bruises on her arms signified that he wasn’t gentle, and she didn’t come easy. Her nails were full of skin because my baby was a fighter. Didn’t matter, though, because from there he took her away from herself and everyone else. From me. I never knew how deeply I felt for Penelope until I saw her broken and bruised body, her torn flesh, the bruises that screamed brutality. Her face was swollen and broken. I liked to think that he did that to her because she called him a coward, a real tough-guy for beating up on women, not because she was cringing in fear and he did it anyway. Though the images of Penny’s body, naked and violated, lying half off the bike path in the black-eyed Susans torture me daily, it comforts me greatly to imagine she laughed at him, berated him, mocked him and taunted him as he was hurting her. I like to think of Penny as a victim of her mouth, not as simply a victim of circumstance or random evil.

Exercise 37: Five Years From Now …

Beginning: Five years from now, I will be out of the school room and taking the ton by storm. I will have all the most fashionable gowns; combs for my hair; jewels made from jewels, not from paste; many suitors; and of course, Edward on my arm, dancing attendance on my every word. I will dance every waltz with a man of my choice who is not ancient (under the age of five-and-twenty). Life will be a dream.

End: Five years from now, I will be married to Edward, Viscount Lake. Though there was a time when I had buried my love for him so deep and twisted it into an unrecognizable shape, that love has prevailed nonetheless. I awake each morning in his arms, well loved and well rested. I believe I may be carrying his babe, but it is too soon to know. Edward and I will be blissfully happy with as many children as God blessed upon us. I will live in joy, knowing that I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.

Exercise 38: The Power of “Seemed” and “Probably”

“So, are you going to eat that,” I asked, eyeing the last slice of pepperoni pizza cooling on the edge of the box.

“No,” she replied. “Enjoy it yourself.” Her eyes lingered on his as she spoke and beyond. They narrowed slightly when he reached out and took the slice without even pausing.

She’s probably thinking I ought to have been the bigger gentleman and given her the last slice. Ha! For the first time in my life I am not a small guy, I am a strong one. I don’t want people to see me this way. If I need to hog a little food to get respect, so be it. I don’t care if she is hiding it well, but I can feel her contempt burning into my back. No matter. She will probably get over it.